At the VMAs
INT. VMA RED CARPET
[KREAYSHAWN, a sloppy, tatted up little punk, stands on the red carpet with NICKI MINAJ, who’s dressed like a Japanese nightmare.]
KREAYSHAWN: Hey y’all, I’m here on the VMA red carpet with Nicki Minaj. Yo, so ever since Lady Gaga wore that meat dress last year, the bar’s been like hella raised on people wearin’ crazy shit to the VMAs. Nicki, what the eff is this?
[Katy Perry approaches, wearing a yellow cube perched on her head.]
KREAYSHAWN: Whoa Katy, that is, like, a bananas hat.
KATY PERRY: Oh my god, thank you so much for saying so! The dress is Dior Couture, and the hat is by Philip Treacy. It’s inspired by … shapes, and… colors.
KREAYSHAWN: Whoa, so conceptual. Damn, Katy, you show them basic bitches —
[Behind her, Nicki coughs.]
KREAYSHAWN: Whoa, Nicki pulling out the costume change early! What is this, girl?
[The bottom half of Nicki is wearing a Godzilla costume; the top half is a body stocking that shows her internal organs.]
NICKI MINAJ: I call this half-Godzilla, half-Slim Goodbody. Plus a songbird made a nest in my hair.
[She reaches up and feeds the bird a crumb.]
[Katy taps Kreayshawn on the shoulder. Katy is wearing a whipped cream bikini and weird glasses made out shavings of something.]
KATY PERRY: This is one of those whipped cream bikinis from Varsity Blues, plus glasses made of my own toenails. And I have a jetpack.
[She presses a button on her side. The jetpack fires briefly, and she lifts an inch off the ground.]
[Nicki is dressed in a clumsy cardboard robot costume it looks like her mom made.]
NICKI MINAJ: This is a Transformer! And it can turn into a real car!
[She kneels down — the costume pieces kind of go together to look sort of like a car.]
NICKI MINAJ: Vroom vroom, get out the way, bitch!
[Katy is covered with dozens of babies, and is wearing a hat made of aged yellow paper.]
KATY PERRY: This dress is made of babies I adopted from Eastern Europe, and the hat is an original copy of the Declaration of Independence.
[Nicki is wearing a plain white sheet with two eyeholes cut out.]
NICKI MINAJ: I’m a ghost! BOO!
[Katy is wearing a shirt as pants and pants as a shirt.]
KATY PERRY: My clothes is upside-down!
[Nicki is wearing an enormous mumu and has words tattooed on her face.]
NICKI MINAJ: I got really really fat, plus I got a face tattoo that says “I love Bill O’Reilly!”
[Katy’s body is gone; she’s just a head in a jar resting on a table.]
KATY PERRY: I had my body amputated and now I’m just a head in a jar! Beat that Lady Gaga!
[Kreayshawn looks around.]
KREAYSHAWN: Oh yeah! Where is Lady Gaga, anyway?
[Lady Gaga walks up. She’s just in drag.]
LADY GAGA: Hey guys. I like your costumes. I thought I’d just dress like a dude this year — keep it simple, you know?
[Katy and Nicki look at each other in shock.]
LADY GAGA: Well, see you inside!
[She exits. Katy and Nicki both try to move, but can’t.]
KATY AND NICKI: Motherfu —
BLACKOUT.
